Comparison Kills

Comparison.

It creeps up in my life in all sorts of ways.

I don't mean to think this way.

I wish I had the confidence to move past this.

Do other people analyze in this same way that I do?


In my time with Jesus recently, he's really been calling me out on my struggles with comparison. I never really considered this an issue, but once Jesus called it out into the light and I was able to name it as an issue for me, I can see it everywhere. Comparing my body to others while at the pool. Comparing my kiddo and his milestones to the other kids around me. Comparing my clothes/style to the lady next to me at church or at the supermarket. Comparing my days and how they are scheduled/planned with my friends on facebook. Comparing my efforts at a pinterest project or party to what I see on that website. Comparing my voice to the other singers that I hear. Comparing my everything to everyone else's anything.

Jesus didn't call me to live anyone else's life but my own. He desires for me to be uniquely me and no one else. Psalm 139:14 says " I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made". I'm not able to praise him for who he's made me to be if I'm constantly comparing myself to others, longing for just a bit more skill when I cook, or grace when I dance, or money, or beauty, or whatever I seem to be longing for in the moment.

Jesus is doing a huge work in me in this area. I know he can give me the freedom to walk through a room of people and be thinking about them and their hearts, instead of myself. I know he can give me the courage and confidence to boldly speak in His name, instead of being worried about little old me. He is my defender and He can heal all of my insecurities.

I hope you know He can do the same for you.

Ian turned 1 !

Yeah, this post is officially a few weeks late, but Ian's birthday was a blast! I think in total 50 people were at his party, with lots of babies/toddlers all around. Polka dot balloons were the big hit, except our birthday boy would cry each time one popped. But BALLOON was his official first word, can you believe it? Here are a few snapshots from that day...

There were way more kiddos than this, but these are the ones whose parents

were brave enough to throw them on the couch!

Our friend Heidi made this delicious cupcake cake- white chocolate raspberry!

Our official family photo taken on our back porch!

Enjoying his smashcake!

His 12 month stats are as follows:

35%percentile for weight
50%percentile for height

-cruises all around the house and loves to stand alone, but has not taken steps on his own
-first word was "balloon", also says "dog" and "dada" and babbles constantly
-loves to point at everything and can point to some correct items in his books when you ask him "Where's the dinosaur?" "Where's the cow?"
-loves to play in the bath, ride in his wagon with friends, swing,
-eats anything you put in front of him, except scrambled eggs or mandarin oranges- loves to feed himself (and is getting pretty good at using a spoon to do so!)
-regular crawls and army crawls, likes to touch everything with something else (like rubbing an easter egg all up and down the couch, or using a wooden spoon to tap all of the laundry)
-naps twice a day, goes to bed at 9:30pm and sleeps till 7am
-officially weaned at 1 year, 1 week old

Yup, that's my boy!

Ian's Birth Story (part 2)

Part 2 of Ian's birth story. Part 1 is here.



We turned out the lights and tried to rest, but I was too excited and in pain to sleep. By 2:30, the pain was building so I decided a hot shower was in order. OH my goodness. You have never felt a more relaxing shower in your life!!!! I want to take 5 showers during my next labor. Seriously, it hit the spot.

After I dried off, James and I walked the halls. For 30 minutes we went round and round the nurses station, holding hands, talking, laughing. When we returned to the room, James sat on the couch while I  got on the birthing ball. For those of you who don't know, a birthing ball is basically an exercise ball like you'd see at the gym. A lady in labor can sit on it and stretch her back and move around slightly, helping the baby move into position. I held on to the window sill to balance me, and stayed on the ball for the next 3 hours. James fell asleep sitting straight up on the couch.

Around 6:30am, the nurses were all aflutter, telling me that my doc would be arriving shortly to talk with me and check my progress. Because of my autoimmune disease Dermatomyositis, I saw a high risk doctor during my entire pregnancy. I absolutely loved my doctor and hope that every woman can trust the person/people helping her deliver, but because I was high risk, I did have to make some choices that I may not have made otherwise. I never desired to make an exact birth plan or demand that things go a certain way, but I did hope for the least amount of intervention possible for me.

That all being said, when my doctor came in at 8:30am, he thought it best to break my water to keep things moving. I felt totally fine with that. But boy oh boy, once my water broke, the pain ramped up immensely. I made it 5cm and 14 hours without an epidural, but at that time, I felt the drugs might make me less tense and keep things progressing.
By noon I was only to 6cm, so Pitocin was started to again, keep things moving. And just 2 hours later I was 8cm. Then an hour later, to 9cm.
Around 3pm was when they asked me to stay on a certain side and aim for rest. Baby's heartbeat was a little irregular and they wanted to make sure that all was well.

At 4:30pm, I was told it was "time to push". My epidural was still so strong that I really had trouble feeling when to push. I couldn't see the monitor measuring the contractions anymore, so I kept asking when one was coming so I could try my hardest. James had my left leg, my mom had my right, and James' mom kept the ice chips flowing. We were a great team.

At 4:50pm, after finishing a lemonade I had snuck in, I was pushing pushing pushing. Then I was overcome with nausea, turned to my mom, and threw up towards her. Yeah- that's probably why they don't let you eat or drink anything I guess.

After almost 2 hours of pushing, my doctor told me that he could see my son, and that with each push he was moving down well, but was hitting his head against my "narrow pelvic arch".  He said that with a little help from the vacuum, I may still be able to deliver him "naturally". With the thought of a possible c-section in mind, I remember looking at him closely and asking "Would you use a vacuum on YOUR child?" Once he attached the tiny device, 2 pushes later and Ian was out.

At 6:07pm on May 3, 2012, Ian Alexander was born.

first pic, fresh out of the chute

I love the look of surprise on my face. I couldn't believe he

was actually here, and so wrinkly/big/cute!

Baby snuggles!

Ian's Birth Story, May 2nd ( part 1)

A birth story is such a special thing to reflect on. Childbirth is amazing in that is it so universal- every baby has a birth story- but childbirth is also so unique with no two stories sharing the exact same details. So as best as I can remember, I want to recount the arrival of Ian. No better time to do this I guess, than in celebrating his 1st birthday. His party will have its own post once I can sort through the pictures.

I found out I was pregnant on Sept 22nd. I threw up the night before after taking a nap, so I picked up a pregnancy test on the way to work. I kinda forgot about it until I had a 15 minute break and was like, oh yeah, I should pee on that stick. I guess I wasn't really thinking because when the test read positive 2 minutes later- there I was jumping up and down silently in the work bathroom all by myself. I texted James (he was at work) and told him I'd be sending him a picture and then I'd call him after he saw it. I sent him a pic of the positive test and when I called him, he was so excited!

the actual pic I sent him

my growing belly

right after we were admitted and my iv was started,

this was what I posted on facebook to let people know

My pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I thought I was huge, I had fun cravings (Asian food and buffalo chicken strips), I peed all the time. My only trip to the hospital was at around 23 weeks when I was shopping alone at Walmart and passed out! I woke up to some Walmart ladies caring for me, they called James, and we went to the hospital to make sure all was well. Turns out, Ian was just sitting funny and coupled with the way I was standing, my blood pressure dropped rapidly, causing me to black out.

May 2nd was my first day off after a 10 day run. I had just finished leading a 3 day training for new employees and was nesting hard. I cleaned the master bathroom, including scrubbing the shower out and also hung all of my tiny newborn cloth diapers out to dry. I did 2 loads of laundry and organized some baby clothes, but then I started feeling hot and bothered. I looked down to notice that my hands and feet were very swollen. I figured I'd just overworked myself and needed to lay down. When resting didn't seem to help, I called James to tell him how I was feeling. He thought the swelling might mean blood pressure issues, so he called our neighbor, who's a nurse, to come take my vitals. Yup, my blood pressure was pretty high, so she instructed that I lay down on my left side in the dark for an hour and she'd come recheck me. After that hour, I came down to meet my neighbor and remember that we sat on my front porch while she checked me again and James arrived home at that same time. It was still high, so I called the OBs nurse line, and they instructed I go in just to get checked out.
I remember James and I slowly wandering around the house then... we didn't take the hospital bag that was half packed, we didn't panic or really do much of anything. And we didn't think to eat (so stupid in hindsight). We just drove over to the hospital with our fleeces in hand, in case it was cold, and I really expected a pill or something and to come back home.

We checked in at the hospital and they put us in a triage room, just to look over everything. My blood pressure had come down a little, and other vitals were good, but the most shocking statement was when the nurse told me I was 2cm dilated, 80% effaced, and contracting about every 5 minutes! They ran a few more tests and called my OB, who said- "admit her and she will deliver tomorrow". Woah. We did not expect to be staying overnight, let alone staying until we brought our baby home! We called some friends to bring us dinner and called Joe, my brother in law, to go to our house and finish packing our bag and get it to us.

monitoring my contractions

the brother in law with our stuff

waiting patiently 

We settled in. Then labor really began.
(to be continued tomorrow on his birthday)