In the Moment

One of my goals for 2013 is to be fully present.

This may sound simple or trite, but in all honesty, there are too many times I can go from task to task or errand to errand on autopilot and wonder where my day got away to. What's worse is when I can be in a room full of people, but my mind races so quickly that I'm thinking of where I will be next, what Ian is into, how uncomfortable I may physically be, or even surfing social media on my phone just to occupy my fingers for the moment. When I first became a stay at home mom, it was all I could do to keep my son alive throughout the day- feeding, diapers, crying, napping... it seemed so overwhelming. Now that all of those things happen more naturally, I've been trying to take inventory of my time each day, to help me find a great balance in the mess of it all.
I really used to think that stay at home moms had it easy. That it was like a constant vacation. Yeah, you would have a little person attached to you, but you could still do basically whatever you wanted, right? FYI, that is NOT the case!!!

1st off, babies/ kids are unpredictable. The moment you think you can sneak away to use the restroom, someone is crying because they saw you walk away. The instant the nap begins and you plan to get some real housework done, the mailman comes and makes your dog bark which wakes the baby which starts the crying again. Even on a perfect 4 hr eat/play/sleep cycle (which has worked great for Ian up to this point), growth spurts happen, meetings and errands interrupt, and diapers explode!

2nd, pressures come from everywhere!!! I may not have a "boss" that I report to or who gives me a quarterly review, but you can bet that almost everyone I interact with has a thought on the way I run my household and raise my baby. From well meaning women who can't believe I'm still breastfeeding at 9 months (doesn't that tie you down? can't your baby take a bottle from someone else?) to folks at the grocery store complaining (your baby looks tired, shouldn't he be napping? are those bananas for the baby? they're not organic) to a husband who might come home from work and ask (what did you do all day?), the questions and comments are endless.  Don't even get me started on the internal monologue that goes on when I see other women's boards on pinterest and their facebook posts about the amazing things they do with their kids. I'm constantly wondering am I going out with girlfriends and making play dates too often? Am I sitting here alone in my home too much? If my husband comes home and I'm still in my PJs, have I failed? Or must I be up before sunrise every day to appear pristine and put together for all the world to see?  I might not have as detailed of a job description as someone else, but that's part of what makes my new role so challenging. And this is only the tip of the iceberg. I digress.

All I want is to raise this baby (and any others that come along) remembering that I am simply stewarding this child. I cannot control who he is, who he was created to be, because ultimately, I did not weave his life into existence and I do not have counted the number of breaths he will take. He is mine to love and shepherd, but only as someone who knows that one day he will begin to make his own decisions, stretch his wings, and leave the comforts of this house for something more. When that day comes, I want him to remember all of the fun we had, all of the lessons we learned, all of the people we served, and how much we were truly present with each other. I want my son to watch me weave a legacy of hope and love to everyone we come into contact with and for him to understand what it really means to listen and be fully alive in each moment.

So if you happen to get to spend some time with me over the next weeks and months, make sure you ask me how I'm doing at being present in each moment. Planning too far ahead and worrying about the next only steals the joy from the sacred moment right in front of me.